Being unhappy drives me to think all sorts of things. The things that are around me, the things that I wanna do. I realise that I could never come out of this; it is a never-ending cycle. If it would end, it would have ended 3 months ago. I realise that as much as I want to, the unhappiness can never cease.
Out of desperation, I am considering things that I wouldn't have under normal circumstances. I start to think nonsensical things from relationship, friendship, family and the past. None of which is related to the cause of unhappiness. I dunno if this all will change or have already changed the person I am, but I think I am becoming a recluse.
As much as I hate to admit it, it has become worse to the extend that I cry each Sunday night. I just can't stop crying once I start. On weekdays, thank God that I have no time to. I clearly think this is not going to work. However, on Monday morning, I start to wonder what the hype last night was all about.
Can I continue my life like this, crying every Sunday and dragging myself to work for the rest of the week? I thought that I'd be fine this week after the long mc break, but I should have known.
Am I one with a personality disorder that I am unlike the others?
Should I open up a tuition centre?
Should I further my studies?
What job do I actually want? What field do I actually go to?
I'm afraid that options 1 and 2 are concocted out of desperation to get out, which isn't good. I saw an ad for a scholarship in Australia. Don't have much idea what is the course about nor what can I do when I return, but I do know that I wanna apply for it. Just feel like wanna leave this place, run away to a place far away with the one I love :(
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