It is really not going to work

Being unhappy drives me to think all sorts of things. The things that are around me, the things that I wanna do. I realise that I could never come out of this; it is a never-ending cycle. If it would end, it would have ended 3 months ago. I realise that as much as I want to, the unhappiness can never cease.

Out of desperation, I am considering things that I wouldn't have under normal circumstances. I start to think nonsensical things from relationship, friendship, family and the past. None of which is related to the cause of unhappiness. I dunno if this all will change or have already changed the person I am, but I think I am becoming a recluse.

As much as I hate to admit it, it has become worse to the extend that I cry each Sunday night. I just can't stop crying once I start. On weekdays, thank God that I have no time to. I clearly think this is not going to work. However, on Monday morning, I start to wonder what the hype last night was all about.

Can I continue my life like this, crying every Sunday and dragging myself to work for the rest of the week? I thought that I'd be fine this week after the long mc break, but I should have known.

Am I one with a personality disorder that I am unlike the others?

Should I open up a tuition centre?
Should I further my studies?
What job do I actually want? What field do I actually go to?

I'm afraid that options 1 and 2 are concocted out of desperation to get out, which isn't good. I saw an ad for a scholarship in Australia. Don't have much idea what is the course about nor what can I do when I return, but I do know that I wanna apply for it. Just feel like wanna leave this place, run away to a place far away with the one I love :(

I want to come out of this

I just hit the divider and my bumper is now hanging. I really did not see the divider there when I parked. When was it since that I became so unobservant? I hit the kerb a few days back too. I drove too near a car at the junction. I bumped someone’s car at Giant. I narrowly avoided ramming someone in front of ACS. All within a span of 3 weeks. I am starting to worry for my own safety on the road and thinking that I am not fit to be on the road.

I mean, there really is something wrong if I were to hit a kerb. It’s not like I passed my driving last week. I got kinda depressed after that. Aren’t there enough things already for me to handle?

Suddenly my bumper’s damaged. I can’t get my fucking money from the fucking Edwin, 800 bucks of it. My mother makes noise that the modem is on her cupboard. My brother curses and yells like he’s the big shot but he actually doesn’t know anything. My chargeable batteries are lost/thrown away out of his stupidity. Yet I get yelled at. There was fire coming out of the room fan. I fear for my family’s safety. The bathroom door came apart. Internet gets disconnected every now and then. I am so tired from tuition. I chipped the glass of the coffee table. My mother has a frown all the time on her face even when we go out for dinner. We don’t speak at dinner but look in opposite directions. Ahyee is depressed and this family is torn apart. I need to get a place quick for my family and for my career. I feel that I haven’t achieved anything despite being 25 this year.

On top of that, I really dread going to work and I miss my boyfriend so much. Something has gone terribly wrong and I am affected terribly. I want to revamp my life; change all aspects of it. But I want to do it fast to bring myself out of this slum but I can’t rush into it. I don’t want to grab anything out of desperation. But I just want an escape fast, really fast.

At times I think of running away and leave this all behind me. Like my ahyee who wanna do volunteer work in a foreign country, where you get peace of heart and mind.

Back to fucking reality

Tomorrow denotes the fucking day back to reality.

School starts.
The fucking jam starts.
The fucking jam up the MPK slope starts.
No more holidays.
No more days when the fucking BB will be away.
Tuition starts.
Tkd starts.
Real work and work and work.
No more rest and totally back to work.

What the fuck. Can life get any fuckier?

To quit or not to quit?

One lasted 3 months. One lasted 4 months. One lasted 3 years, always cried and finally transferred to another division. Another lasted 3 years too, cried too and wants to transfer out but not approved.

How long will I last?

At least I should break the 3 month barrier. After that, I should reach the 4 month barrier. And then it’s too far to go. Or maybe if the bonus that I am staying for isn’t satisfactory, then I’d go. Somehow have a feeling that the only reason why I’m staying, isn’t going to be good too cos it’s all in BB’s hands. And she ruined Nora’s bonus, she doesn’t like her yet don’t want to approve her transfer.

Who is this bloody woman who makes people cry and quit? Who the hell is she, so grand? I wanna fight her back, and I wanna rise for all to see in the TQE council where the deputy chairman, MD and all the heads from all divisions will be.

This is only because it is at the end of the day and it seems ok after all. Wait til next morning. If pregnant woman have morning sickness, I have morning depression that lasts til after lunch and then gradually fade.

Mr Tay said that not every job will suit you. You are now dying to get out. Is the pay good? (No) You have some savings right? The economy is not bad for all. Have some confidence in yourself. When you’re happy, things are good as well. You can teach classes etc. (Yes I agree. I’ll be a happier teacher and a fun-ner girlfriend). Keep quiet and first see what you can find during the Christmas break. Start the year anew, after Chinese New Year. New year, new start. If you’re not comfortable, leave. I don’t know you well but you’re a soft-hearted person and you’ll never be able to fight her. It won’t look good on your resume but unless you change jobs very often, then I would advise you against it.

Peter said if you’re not happy, go. And you’re good in English and tkd, should be no problem for you.

Alin said that it’s the boss. The company is good but it’s the boss. Yes I know that. People here don’t leave the company, they just leave the division and the bloody boss.

It’s happy to know that someone acknowledges that it is a problem. That someone even listens.

I can fight, but it’s just that why should I? Why should I choose unhappiness?

What is it that holds me back again? The bonus? That is a whole year away and I was so determined to throw in my resignation right after Christmas. A 24 hour notice couldn’t be so sweet. What’s it about the bonus and pay again? The pay is the least among those that I was offered and banks offer the same bonus too. But banks are supposedly not doing too well now. But so is Toyota who recorded their 1st loss since the 1940s, but it doesn’t affect us, but maybe bonus-wise.

It’s gonna get sabo-ed anyway.

Heck, they should give me at least 1.5 person’s pay since I am doing 2 people’s work. Both execs have run away.

And finally someone new is coming in. Same thing as well, nothing less on my plate. Instead of saying that I’ve got a lot on my plate and asking how’s my workload, don’t bug me la! I dunno what is this new exec going to do other than planning one annual convention for the whole of the year. And maybe she can take over some of the shit we all been getting.

I don’t mind a lot of work, it makes me feel important. But just don’t disturb me psychologically.

What’s holding me back again? The fear of being broke. I confidently say that I can survive. Actually I really do. My part time income is three-quarters my pay. But I’m just afraid; I got a family to feed. I don’t like to having to think of money whenever I want to buy or eat something. It’s long past that stage. But it actually won’t be just that three-quarter pay alone, cos I can find a part-time job waiting tables at Jusco. I just think it’s a good change to do something different for a while.

Maybe I’ll leave after I finish all the books in the resource centre. Reading all those books that I don’t want to buy, is probably the only interest I have in the building.

What’s holding me back again? The fear of regret someday on, as now itself I occasionally ask myself “What’s the big hype again?” Of course, that’s when things are ok at almost at the end of the day, or when a public holiday is looming. I also fear to be a coward. I don’t want to give the satisfaction to BB. But actually, I’d think she’ll be so dissatisfied that she’ll have to do all the work by herself hahahaha.

Ok, now I wanna have that satisfaction! I’ll leave right before a major meeting and she can start her report from scratch the day before, as how she always make me do.

I do fight her back now. She’s got this habit of looking at you and ‘huh??’ as if you’re saying something stupid whenever you speak. Now I just raise my voice and make her be the stupid one instead who is deaf and doesn’t understand. I just have to speak confidently, that’s all. These are all tactics to break you, I believe. It does.

I wanna stand tall and say that I work for that company everytime I see it somewhere. Heck, it’s almost everywhere. It’s always on tv during some football show that my bro always watches cos it’s a sponsor. But all I do now is shudder everytime I go near the Toyota showroom in Bukit Tinggi. The logo reminds me of unhappiness.

I want to be strong, I can be strong but I want to be happy.
It’s no fun getting at each other’s throats everyday. It’s not fun thinking about dreadful Monday morning. It’s no fun thinking about the number of days in a week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And the weekends are spent worrying about the coming Monday. It’s depressing when I arrive at 7.30am and a long til Timmy comes online at 9. The whole everything is depressing; the empty carpark, the Milo, the lunch time. It’s bad, it’s not getting any better. In fact it’s getting worse cos if before I cry before going to work, now I cry both before and after work.

What am I going to do now?

I’m sinking into one of my darkest times ever.
I try to pick myself up, but I can’t.
I try to rise again, but I keep falling.
It's not that I don't want to.
I just need strength, support and love to help pull me up.
I’ve never felt so alone; the other time was when my dad passed away.
Why am I lonely though I’m not alone?
Who understands me, or at least tries?
Who can I speak to, to clear my mind?
Who can I look to, for strength and support?
Who can give me a comforting hug when I cry at night?
Who cares when I stop by the roadside and cry?
Who cares when tears flood my eyes that I can hardly see the road?
Who is there for me when my heart is stabbed til I can't stop crying?
Who is there when I need someone the most?
I could let my heart cold and survive on my own.
I tried, but I just want someone to share.
How can I pull myself out of this?
Life hasn't been this dark for some time
that sleep's my escape, morning's my hell and nights are transition to hell.

Why...?

Why are there 5 work days a week?
Why is there an air of sorrow as though someone just died?
Why does no one understand or even listen?
Why is there no shoulder to cry on?
Why do thoughts of Monday seem so dreadful that there are no words to describe the feeling?
Why do days come to a stand still when you just want it to pass?
Why does time fly when you don’t want it to?
Why are people cold and unkind?
Why are there bitches?
Why do I start to hate everyone?
Why is happiness never for long?
Why is happiness so difficult to find?
Why do I feel dreadful, horrible, miserable and so unhappy deep down inside?
Why do tears never run out so that no more can flow?
Why do people forgo happiness for money?

I do feel a bit better after talking to Timmy and he finally listened and responded. Being alone in sadness feels stabbing, having someone to just listen does help a bit. Having someone to acknowledge that there is a problem would be better. It’s all in the head but there is nothing at all that I can think of to give myself a wee bit of glimmer. The main problem is that I cannot pinpoint what the cause of sadness is. There is just depression in everything. I look at the bracelet I made to remind myself to be thankful. Usually I’d have a tiny thing to console myself to be thankful for, but now there is absolutely nothing for me to be grateful for. There is nothing to look forward to, there is no reason for me to wake up each day. I am not like the rest, I am not the majority. A personality test singled me out like I was a freak. They said I was unique, but it reaffirms that my head is complicated.

When can I stop crying?
How do I work hard for happiness?
How could a dream job backfire so badly?

I don’t know how to work hard for my happiness. It’s not something that can be worked for but to totally eliminate it. I feel rotten the very moment I wake up everyday. How can I go by the day when I already feel like crying the very minute I wake up? Waking up is just so so depressing. Mornings are the most depressing and lonely times. Thoughts of the time when I felt like ramming my car into a tree start flooding back.

Timmy asked what I want for my birthday. I replied I just want happiness. I don’t want anything else. I just want a box of happiness. This birthday I am not surrounded by happiness.

To quote Jason Mraz in Mr Curiosity,
“It’s my birthday, but I cannot find no cause for celebration”

This line has to written from experience? At least someone knows how I feel.

I could have

I could have died, I could have got mugged, I could have got into an accident, I could have got abducted, I could have got raped, I could have been murdered, I could have been fighting for my life, I could be fighting off an attacker, I could have been wanting to say my last words.

Would anyone notice my absence? Would anyone know? Would anyone care? Would anyone come to my rescue? Or would they only come when it's too late? Would they regret it then? Or is there nothing to feel sad, guilt, regret or loss about?

I've been talking about getting my EPF nominations done but it's still not done. I wanted to leave my ATM pins behind but still haven't done so. I don't want the money I worked so hard for go to waste; I want my family to have them easily without a fight.

I am tired, I am so fcuking damn tired but I am for sure, sane. Tiredness is my body but I can assure you that I am 100% sane.

Loneliness on a Saturday night

Lonely, lonely, lonely...it's time to head home and sleep anyway. Sleep and start a new day of teaching stupid tuition. Don't feel like going for tkd after that. Hang on in there baby, 2 weeks more to go..

Where are you when I need you the most..? :'(