After some time, I think I am tired of waiting. I wait and wait. Sometimes, there is something. Sometimes, there is none. I hate uncertainty. I hate waiting. I hate waiting for something that doesn’t happen.
I am starting to wonder if I have got my priorities wrong. Or I could have placed an expectation too high. Or I expect people to return what I do. Or I am an inconsiderate person. Or maybe I should just have a lackadaisical attitude. I think I should just care less and reshuffle my priorities. As if I don’t already have enough work to keep myself occupied.
But no one deserves to be kept waiting or kept in the dark. I deserve to be treated better. We have obligations and responsibilities, and is answerable to whoever the obligations and responsibilities are to.
Kat’s email plays in my mind. It was on the difference between what makes a girl and a matured woman. It is a good thing to share but I don’t have it with me cos it was sent to the office email address, but here’s some that I can remember:
#1 Girl: Keeps her schedule free for her guy, waiting for it to be filled.
Matured woman: Fills her schedule and then tells her guy.
#2 Girl: Is unhappy that her guy spends time out with his friends rather than spending it with her.
Matured woman: Takes the time as her ‘alone time’ and then goes out with the girls.
That is all I gathered from my memory, which seems to be failing me by day.
This is what that I have always wanted to be – non-dependent.
That email was referring to relationships but I believe it also applies in other aspects of life. I can strongly relate to #1 and am not ashamed to say that I am classified as a ‘girl’. Not only related to my guy, but also for other stuff that basically keeps me ‘on call’. I think from now on, I am going to fill up my day with whatever I want to, and if you don’t confirm or slot your activity in, too bad. I can’t be waiting to schedule my life around yours, if there is any schedule at all. It just keeps my heart at an unrest due to uncertainty, and possibly followed by disappointment.
Basically, it’s taking charge of my life. Observation for a period of time made me decide.
Is this what happens when you put people on a pedestal, that they take you for granted? That they disregard your existence?
I do think I deserve better and more respect, so win me back.
******
On the other hand, I don't feel so alone after all. I see that people have problems of their own too. Problems like mine. Of course, I know that I'm not the only one in the world with problems. Everyone sees their own problems as a big thing.
FWC: Work, assignments and dealing with parents
JL: Tired
Somehow I feel better knowing that there is someone out there who understands how it feels like?
For me, it would currently be health and a fucking bastard asshole who doesn't want to pay me my Taekwondo wages. I was given mc for next week for my back, and advised to go for physiotherapy. It was only revealed to me today that an MRI scan would need to be done if I wanna look at the disc. Somehow I thought that everything could be seen from the CT scan. Well, I am not doctor.
The pain in my back is the worse I have had so far. I don't think it is related to the fall, but yet it was never this bad. I had something similar when I was working in JJ, when I was standing for hours. But even then, it wasn't this bad and it wasn't there all the time. I don't wanna eat anymore painkillers; I've eaten a total of 16 and the doctor was surprised that I ate all. The pain's there all the time and it's disturbing me.
No comments:
Post a Comment