In the morning, I got 3 emails from DG. 1 telling me how to run a slide, 1 reminding me to exclude Poland from all overall EU data and 1 more telling me the mistakes in the BMS deck. The BMS one is the one that bothered me the most. It had already disturbed me in the morning, but I managed to pull myself up and carry on updating the slides the best I could, until..
Yes, I admit that:
• I pasted Q1 2009 data into Q1 2010. And I didn’t look at it to see if it made sense. So I guess I did 2 wrongs here
• I thought that 2 slides had already been updated, so all I did was to hide Turkey’s data. Well, I had already commented there that I hid the data, not updated the slide.
But what DG thought/’accused’ me of was:
• Several slides updated were updated wrongly. They haven’t actually been updated!
So add all of those up and it sufficed enough to call T and complain about me?? I guess so, since he sounded pretty pissed with all the ?! in the slides.
If you read my email, I said that I have done up to slide 65 only for the day. Anything after that was not updated, of course they were wrong!!
The cause of the problems:
• Me being blur and stupid
• Him not reading my mail properly
• Old blobs that were left there, as though the slide has already been updated for the 2nd round
• No blobs there that were interpreted as being updated already
I must not blame anyone for it, but I am angry that he called T. It seemed like a serious problem, that I had done something so very wrong. It seemed as though I had been making mistakes for several days when it was only today that there was such feedback. NE never did this, although I’m sure I made some mistakes last time too. Bloody hell. I did tell T and replied to him as well on the miscommunication, hope it saved me a little.
To run salt into the wound, I already have a track record for this, mentioned in last year’s performance review. The call definitely made a mark in my record for my promo. Damn-fcuking-it!
Was very down and angry. Angry with myself for being stupid, and even more angry with DG for doing this, especially when it was not 100% my fault. Felt very very rotten that dinner outside and J-Card day couldn’t cure it. Tears streamed down as soon as I reached home; it was as though I had been waiting for a time to let go. I felt that the incident was a dream. When things so bad happen, it must have happened in a dream. I don't know why I take it so badly. This is the 1st time that I felt rotten and bad in this job.
And I just can’t explain why I’ve deteriorated mentally. I’ve noticed this since I started work in AGB. Sometimes I have totally no recollection of an incident/event; I don’t have the slightest idea if it ever happened or not. Like I have NO idea where the printer cartridge went to. I am the only one who knows how to open the printer up, so it must be me who removed it but I totally do not remember taking it out. What’s to be blamed? Lack of concentration from being sleepy? Tiredness from all those work? I’m starting to think that this mental deterioration and sleepiness might be caused by some medical condition. I mean, people can’t just become stupid suddenly right? Is hypothyroidism hereditary?
Sleep will cure things. When I wake up, it will seem as though nothing ever happened. It’s such a marvellous thing. I know I must bounce back, as Shaun said, and must bounce back even higher to patch the damage but maybe it’s Friday tomorrow and I am not feeling the mood for it. I get dejected and demotivated easily. Besides, I’ve been saying that I don't want to do work this whole week, been bored of slides and I don't know why.
Sleep time where all the troubles go away and you wake up wondering ‘What was it that was troubling me yesterday?’ Truly felt that it was a dream. How can this happen at a job I like so much, the only job that I felt the fiery spirit to work hard for and the one that I had been gunning for a promo?
:( :(
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