... #2

1 down, but 1 is back to piss me. Training’s done. Got complained that I was going too fast but I thought that those people, attending the basic level class, have more experience compared to the beginners. Said that I know my stuff but just too quick for their limited comprehension and absorption abilities. Media directors are worse than trainee planners when it comes to this. Dun care, as long as it’s over. And then the phone gave me short-lived joy and I’m now back to being phone-less again. But coping better now. God’s punishment and accepting it. But it’s more serious that before. Dunno shall I proceed or to leave it. Sucks.

As of now, I still am not sure what’s happening. I haven’t heard from him since that day, and I haven’t really settled things yet, as in finalizing it. I haven’t got the guts to, and didn’t want to do it last week cos I can’t be in a mess when I have clients’ training scheduled that week. Then, came short words via Skype, which I totally did not expect as there was silence in the few days after it happened. I was a bit relieved, as I saw as a sign that he’s coping and probably not that mad to still wanna speak to me. But what were those actually supposed to be? Cos nothing came after I replied. It was all 2 sentence conversations, almost all of it. Nothing after I replied. What’s happening? And days after it happened?

And on Saturday when my phone decided to challenge me again, I found almost 10 missed calls within a span of 24 hours. I haven’t spoke to him since then. What was it that he wanted to say? Reconciliation? Threats? Lambasting? Calling me a bloody fcuking whore? I honestly do not have the guts to answer, being the guilty one. But it’s still playing on in my head, what’s going on? The status is still actually hanging, as I haven’t finalized it yet, as in end things properly.

I know what I did was wrong. I don’t even know I allowed myself to do it. Guess things got out of hand, and out of frustration too. But that is no excuse to do what I did. What I did is unforgivable and I dread to think what punishment will I receive someday. That is why I have let things remain undone, to punish myself and hopefully that it makes me feel better.

It is ironic that I wanted to lessen the pain, but ended up stabbing a knife in an open wound. Fcuk. I was willing to wait, forgo my happiness and give in. All those for months. Not saying that I’m damn sacrificial here but I just wanted to lessen the pain and have things done amicably. But it ended up totally the opposite and totally fcuked. It’s just so ironic. Now you know what Lee Sue Ann is capable of doing now. Not the righteous person that you always thought and was never actually righteous anyway. The incorrect use of just 1 word in some posts made people misjudge me, but the final actions was yeah, I agree with what you think of me right now. I don’t care, I don’t want to think and I don’t want to lose my friends too.

Yes, I’ve been called cold-blooded. For the way I’m coping with it. For the way I ended it, I know that karma will get back at me someday. That msg stung. Fcuk, it’s just that I haven’t been thinking. I don’t want to think about it then, I’m messed up inside as well. I’m not that heartless to just walk off laughing after sharing almost one-fifth of my life. It’s almost 5 years, damn it. Prior and throughout my entire years in uni. The times when I became the loner in uni and felt so miserable. The times when I went through one of the toughest moments in life when I wondered would I come out alive of it, not knowing what would I see when I woke up, the mortal world or the white clouds of heaven as I opened my eyes. If I hadn’t, he would be the last person I saw. I dun even know if I qualify to go to heaven.

I don’t mean to be ungrateful, those times and the things he did are etched in my heart and memory, together with all the times shared.

It wouldn’t be so tough had he been a loser, but he practically worshipped me. He catered to my every whim and fancy, like I was his queen. Quitting things I hate. I can’t even list down the things that tick to console myself. And this is how I repay him? Fcuk. How can I punish myself? Think I shall just wait til 1 day when I get this back. I had imagined it as I was told to, yes it really cuts deeply but I shall take it. By normal standards, I am already not worthy, and after what I did, should be just chucked in a drain.

*****
Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose of my very existence in this world. I think it is for the purpose of keeping people happy. Not related to the above, but there was also some traces of it there. I do things not to appreciated or thanked, but does anyone care about my happiness rather than wanting me to do as they wished? Do I seem that immature that I’m incapable of thinking straight? Do I seem that stupid? I’m 23, I know what I am doing and I have feelings too. My birthday plans are not about to materialize. It’s not that I planned my own celebration but I do want it to happen. Well, as long as people are happy, guess what I feel doesn’t matter after all. Though it is my birthday. But then, still someone wouldn’t be happy. For every single thing that I have done, I know that it has hurt someone, or at least someone was not happy. I try to be tactful, not hurt anyone else but I’ve got no avenue to go to. I thought that this would be it but still no, bound to hurt someone. Sometimes I wonder if I dropped dead, would anyone notice, bother or care? If not, then I might as well run off to some other place. Now I know why people sometimes run away from problems instead of facing them. I used to think they are cowards, but now I think I’m becoming one too. I just wanna run away and leave it all behind.

Sorry to all the people I have hurt and caused unhappiness in my life, and those who are mentioned and affected by this post especially. Sorry, this is my only avenue, I need to let it out somehow. (Feel free to) just drop me from your lives.