I didn’t want to ask him earlier what he wanted to do as I didn’t want to ‘clutter’ his mind then. I didn’t ask him to learn driving when he turned too as similarly, I wanted him to concentrate fully on his exam. So once the exam was over, I thought that the 3 months waiting for the results to come would give ample time to learn driving as well as do extensive research on fields of interest and scholarships. I told him to get everything ready for the applications; when the results are out, just put them in and mail it off. Closing dates are usually 2 weeks from the date of results; allocate 4 days of delivery and there isn't any time to consider what courses to apply.
And today I came back, the question was whether I could send him to school tomorrow to get the certs certified. I knew this would happened. I nagged him over and over until I got sick and tired of it. But if I don't nag, I know I would be the one to kena in the end. Like when I decided to show them how important it is to know how to drive by letting them go by themselves to collect the results, I kena balik when they didn’t answer my calls.
• To send him to school, wait, send him back and go to work – I would reach the office almost 10am. And there's dental appointment at 7.30pm, meaning that I need to leave the office before 5.30pm. Great, arrive late and leave early. And it was not me who set this appointment time at 7.30pm.
• Certify the certs now when the closing date is in 7 days. 7 days had passed since the results.
• He left out photocopying his birth cert cos he didn’t notice it was required. So it would be useless to send them in the morning as well since they are 1 document short.
• I had passed the scholarship forms to him about 2 weeks back, before the results are out. Only now he is looking at it and scrambling to gather documents and write essays, when I had already told him The Star scholarship is one of the most important and that an essay is required. 4 choices of courses = 4 essays.
• If I hadn’t even printed out the forms in the first place, there isn't even anything to begin with. I noticed that he hasn’t hooked up the printer and seem no action done, so I decided to print them out for him.
So yesterday, I was hurled the accusatory tone of wasting time with the applications. And today I was insinuated that they won’t beg for my help and would take a cab.
Tell me: You tell me tonight that you want me to take off tomorrow? That would have to be EL. T was already suspecting some people of taking time off when there is work coming in. I am gunning for a promotion end of this year. I went to work 2 days out of the 3 days that I was given MC, despite the gastric that made me bend over. And all these when I had already told him to get them done earlier and to be more independent. I cannot be taking leave for the days to collect result, to attend interviews, to certify certs. If before I had to cancel my tuition classes to send him for dental appointments because he can’t drive, it is now because he won’t drive. Imagine, for every 3 weeks of classes, 1 class is cancelled. 1 class per month. Taking the cab there is also cheaper than the loss of income, but of course I’d be yelled at and I also don't have the heart to ask them to do that at night.
Tell me, am I not doing enough for my family? I remember crying when I failed my driving test. I was very pressured to pass cos I desperately needed to drive. I need to go to JJ to work after SPM, my mother had been taking the bus to town to do banking and pay bills, we had to take the bus everywhere.. I had to bring my family out of that hardship; it was not a choice.
It’s 3 months since SPM ended, he did not attend NS as was supposed to (my mother went all out to let him 'evade' it), nor learnt driving, nor decided what to do, nor prepared applications. Seriously, I don't know what he does every day. I just do my part and nag him every few days on what’s he applying. As of today, only 1 application was sent out which was yesterday. And he's now doing another one, cos my mother started pestering him to do and now they are filling up forms together *roll eyes*
I am just so frustrated because it is not ‘can’t’, but ‘won’t’. I am not being selfish that I don't want to send him around. He needs to come back from college next time too; he can drive home from the train station rather than wait til 7pm every day. He can send my mum around. Next time when we shift, shops are so far. What else can I do some more?
People tell me that they are proud of me for being a good sister and my mother must be proud of me yada yada. No, I didn’t do anything to be that ‘anak mithali’ or whatever, it was just responsibilities thrown at me and I had no choice but to take it, but I wonder what I failed to do and what they could do. Sometimes I think that I have too many things bugging me that shouldn’t be bugging people of my age: My insurance policy not received yet, insurance for my mom, housing loan still stuck somewhere, house door on the left, my health has been bugging me but dreading and delaying the check-up, a big income project waiting for me but I can’t fucking do it.. and she just makes noise that I have tuition at home. Did she think that I’d be tired and hungry after work (gastric cripples me, the last bout lasted 1 week), at least I can sneak some bites and am more relaxed if I’m teaching at home?
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