What’s on my mind these couple of days..

Sometimes especially these few days, I think that my short 23 years of life has been a hard harsh one. Actually the harshest came in the first 17 years. In only the first 17 years of my life, I have lost the 2 people I love and who loved me the most. Sometimes when I feel really sad or down, I think the only consolation on life is that I will meet them someday. But actually I dunno if everyone will meet one day, as I have been putting off asking the question for years, for the fear that the answer would be ‘no’. So I live with the consolation that I will eventually be with my dad one day. That also makes me less afraid of dying. Sometimes I wonder what had I done to deserve this, to have my dad taken away from me. The thought of him still makes me cry after all these years as I have been pushing all thoughts out of my mind. I don’t want to be sad nor start crying and have my sight blurred on my drive to work in the mornings.

I also feel that I had failed him miserably but I dunno why. I completed my education though my grades weren’t as excellent, I didn’t hang out with the wrong crowd or run off with some guy but I just feel like I failed him. I feel that I’ve been a bad person. My mum would say ‘If your father was alive..’ I’ve done nothing bad but if he was around, I don’t think I would be doing everything I’m doing today. I dunno, I just feel that I could have been more successful and a better person and have let him down. Cos I was always an achiever.

I would have wanted him to see me receive my black belt that he saw me train and took the grading for, to attend my convocation and to fight over who gets to use the car. At times like this, I’ve contemplated dying. I’ve only had him for 17 years.

I’ve never understood how could one wish for his dad to die. He kept hating his dad while I just wished for mine to be around.

*****
Was I really a loser? I’d think I did reasonably well as the head of the family. Gave all my part time earnings after form 5 and am now footing all the bills, groceries, marketing, most meals, bus fares and pocket money. Took the family for 4 outstation holidays including Sarawak in 5 years. We hadn’t gone to those places even when my dad was around. Not saying that I am better than my dad but I do my best to give them opportunities to experience new things. I don’t earn much but I don’t think twice when it comes to spending for them (and my bro has suddenly acquired expensive taste for food). I do 3 jobs, painted the car and settled 25% of my study loan 6 months after graduation. I go out once or at most twice a week. Well, I know of people who see their boyfriends everyday but even the rare occasion of going shopping alone or with colleagues after work is a no-no.

Ok, I admit that I wash clothes only once a week, my room is a mess as well as the dining table. But does that warrant for me to be asked to ‘think carefully what kind of person you’re turning into’? Where have I gone wrong? Sometimes I wonder if I died, would anyone grieve for me.

*****
No news is good news but the guilt is occasionally still there. I couldn’t hold on just to reciprocate his feelings. I couldn’t hold on just to not ‘waste’ our time and memories spent together. I feel bad that it ended without me feeling anything, not much pain but just guilt. How could I be so heartless? I’ll always hold the memories dear to me though, heck it was more than 4 years. The times when I was away from home at uni feeling so lonely, when he’d come over to Cheras to seek me and bring me chocs and cookies in a Pooh tin that my mum threw away and I haven’t forgiven her for that, when he made sure I reached my doorstep safely every night and the times when Jacky got into trouble and I was so thankful that it wasn’t him. God really helped in that way but it was a tough time we shared and pulled through.

It was a good memory and he was a good man but I just couldn’t feel for him anymore. It came to many as a shock but.. can't be taking care of everyone.


*****
On the other hand, work seems to be good. The client allocation is actually a good opportunity for me as I feel more motivated to take care of my clients. I feel kinda excited to go for client visits, especially NMedia =) But as long as I don’t standardize those bloody variable names, my heart won’t be at ease. There’ll be a nagging feeling while chatting and playing Literati =) And my goal is to conduct FPO training by the end of June. I dunno much about it but when I started training clients 2 months into the job, I didn’t know much too. So there’s a challenge ahead for me

I’ve finally found friendship beyond the office too. It’s not like those relationships at uni where there’d be no interaction after class or no outings with colleagues after work hours. I seem to crave shopping trips with Shikin and possibly James too. Shikin and I message each other outside the office, meaning our relationship isn’t solely work. When she message me after work to ask me to rest and to cheer up (had been suffering from ‘female problems’), somehow felt kinda touched. James even gave me a booklet on digestive problems after Shikin told him that I had gastric pains =) He also kindly typed out my Chinese name for me when I merely asked him to write it out. I mean, he could have not even entertained me. Work seems to be looking good at the moment, except the FPO training part. Not thinking of the SAP or OMD offer at the time being, don’t wanna get dilemmic (a word I concocted) and down again.

*****
Anyway, I already planned to join the jogging last Saturday but coincidentally, Edwin made all the assistants join in too. Felt tired jogging but had to maintain my dignity and managed to jog almost continuously throughout. Then had to do push ups which weren’t so bad and after that had sparring training which were mostly stamina training. Not too bad, managed to do knee lifts comparatively better than black belts who were younger than me. About 6 people came forward to say that they needed a break cos feeling faint and vomited haha. So I’m not that bad, not that bad haha. I actually like tournament training but just as about to get started, I had to take over the white belts instead.

Have to squeeze more jogging in before the marathon. Only did once so far =P And now I have my own assistants but they were mostly standing around and chatting. Don’t need them anyway. I only have 20-25 kids per class, so it's manageable.

Boss is away for 4 days and I’d be off the whole of next week. So cheers to me!