Not in the right state of mind

James, don’t.ever.question.the.reports.I’ve.sent.out. You are nowhere near me in Arianna, so just shut the fcuking hell up.

MS, doesn’t it ever get into the thick head of yours after sending forecast files for almost 2 years? Check the bloody version you did it with!! And then you go to bloody Japan for more than a week and leave me a piece of shit behind? I knew the problem right at the start but did it ever occur to you that it took 2 days to correct it and then finally had to reinstall the pc? If you had done it correctly all along, you would have noticed that the pc needed reinstallation.

YF, you asked me how many free-to-air channels are there. Hello, anyone in the right frame of mind knows that!! What’s wrong with you? And you’re in a tv research company!! What’s so very wrong with you??!

And to the fucking people who merrily asked me if I am fasting or telling me that I should fast, FUCK OFF!!!

I am a fighter. I need no sympathy.
I am a fighter. I need no sympathy.
I am a fighter. I need no sympathy.

It had been one hell of a week. I think September is not a good month, especially the 1st week. It must be the work of the hungry ghosts. Have you all gone back already or not?

I tried to save/patch/better a relationship. That’s the least I could do. I don’t want to besieged with guilt for not making any effort. I don’t want to regret for not saying what I want to, for not hearing what wanted to be said and for not seeing each other for the last time. That is why I did the unexpected by making the first approach. I think I’ve matured or grown or just love this man so much; I no longer wait for the other party but as I said, it wasn’t proper to have an argument on YM though I know that a divorce is valid via SMS. What cowards.

Anyway.. anyway..

The mind is an evil tool. So I wanna write a message to ‘it’.

Dear Brain,

Please don’t let it think anymore. You only cause Heart pain. Don’t think about anything anymore and you are only allowed to think of ways to make money from now on. Whenever Hands are driving to work, you can only think of ways to make money. When Eyes cannot fall asleep at night, you can also think only of ways to make money. Stay within the constraints of the Cranium, don’t go out there too far and always remember, think only of ways to make money. Please please don’t think of anything else.

Love,
Baby Sue

Okie.. that should be it. I feel better now. I seriously feel better after writing that, as I had been feeling very irritable and mang chang. Now itself very mang. Have a great urge to bash someone in the head. The sandbag at the centre is so bloody heavy and doesn’t move an inch after being kicked, only the foot hurts, adding more to my frustration.

But for now, I shall chant “I am great, I am great, I am great” though I know very well that I think too highly of myself and people including the ones I love don’t see me for the very least good that I have. Or am I really no good ah? Totally useless and not worthy at all? :( But come to think of it, my self evaluation didn’t turn up any good as well. So that says it; loss won’t a difference to the world.

Have changed the … this month. After equalling my gross pay, I’m not making money as hard as last month. Dunno if it’s due to tiredness or just have no mood anymore. Classes will be stopped at this time of the year and I chose to quit Erican at the same time too. Come what may la. Erican lagi satu yang belum kena tiao. Tired and don’t care already.

I am great, I am strong, I will be fine. I am great, I am strong, I will be fine. I am great, I am strong, I will be fine. (self soothing mantra)