2009 resolutions

I confess that I have 2 problems:
a. A strong urge to go somewhere on weekends or any holiday
b. Binge eating

I just cannot be at home during the weekends. It is terribly boring and I get fidgety and restless. I dunno if it’s due to wanting to celebrate the great marvellous weekend or is it that I never had a day off for some time, so it’s a terrible waste to just sit at home when I finally have a whole day free. The problem is, where to and with who? I have a boring family that despite saying that scolding me that they are bored, they don’t wanna go anywhere. Ask them if they wanna watch a movie and they don’t want to. Why would anyone resist a 3D movie? Why would anyone not want to go out for lunch but instead eat nothing at home?

I just want to celebrate the weekend after a whole fucking week’s work! Why is it so difficult to go out like the billions of people at the mall or anywhere else? There are tons of people at Station 1 and here I am sitting at home on a Saturday night.

i.just.need.to.go.somewhere. I.really.desperately.do.

The problem is that the people I am fond of, do not have the mutual feeling. And those who are persistent and available, I just can’t tolerate them. Have 3 people in mind right now but thank god, they have got the message and have ceased to ask.

Resolution #1: Increase networking. It’s just good to not be disappointed by the same people over and over again.

Binge eating is what happens when I am unhappy. I feel that eating my favourite food gives me a wee bit of happiness and also that I need a reward for all the hard work. This, I have taken after my father, according to my mother. Unfortunately, I have no resolution for this as chocs and good food is one of the few things that I would not compromise on cos I don’t like having a thought at the back of my head telling me I shouldn’t eat this and that for all the money that I’ve earned.

I’ve become pretty emotional lately. Reading Man and Boy made me think of my father and I cried. Reading The Husband gave me the fear of losing a loved one. Watching Titanic made me feel that love is the most beautiful thing in the world. “My Heart Will Go On” was once the most overrated song but when paired with the scenes, it made me think what a girlfriend I had been.

Is it that I think a lot lately, causing this rush of emotions?

Mr Tay asked why was I being so emotional, crying of dread to go to work. He was surprised cos he always said that I was a strong, hardworking young girl who worked hard to support her family. I think it really made him realise that it wasn’t a case of emotions but rather a real problem on hand.

I’d like to think that I wasn’t this weak. Is being emo actually weak? Hooi Leng’s words from 6 years ago continue to ring in my head: “Before you had a boyfriend, you weren’t this hampau”. I justified that now I have someone to love and comfort me. I don’t have to be stoic and be the brave one anymore. I remember when I returned to school a week after daddy passed away, I stubbornly wanted to resume prefect duties although I was given off until I was ready. I remember the then head prefect, Ming Luan, speaking to me as soon as I arrived for briefing. I remember pushing Debbie off when she wanted to give me a comforting hug. I didn’t want any sympathy and did not need any.

But if it were to happen now, I don’t think I would have that strength. I would crumble and become a recluse. Maybe it was because I did not allow myself to grieve all these years, to protect myself from the unhappiness. That is why I still cry at any mere thought of him. Is it normal to be missing him, or had I never really accepted the loss? God, it’s already been 8 years.

I had protected myself from unhappiness, and I shall continue to do so.

Resolution #2: To eliminate all unhappiness, one by one.

I’m trying to fill my time with as many things possible to keep me occupied but I’m not sure if I want to teach kids when all I want to do is to curl up in bed.

Resolution #3: To further reduce dependency for an ear and emotional and physical support.

Resolution #4: To not complain anymore and to keep my mouth shut.

For resolution #3 and #4, that’s what blogs are for. But the bloody problem is that I have no Internet despite more than 2 weeks after signing up, and now they say my area is not covered. Imagine that you are spilling with things to say, 2 months’ worth of things to say, unhappiness to spill, events to unfold. Bursting out of your seams and you just need to get rid of some to clear your head and chest. People talk and share every day. People blog every few days. Now you know how it is like? Told you I’m not psycho.